


Here in Heaven

by LRoge



Category: Supernatural, destiel - Fandom
Genre: Intimacy, M/M, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 22:44:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4763768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LRoge/pseuds/LRoge
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas realizes that he has a different plan for Dean's mortality than him, and they need to discuss the future of their relationship, as in what will happen at the end of Dean's natural life span.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Here in Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> First ever Destiel Forever facebook group fan fic challenge. I signed up for a prompt which inspired this fic and the prompt was : First time ever Dean and Cas hold hands while making love.

Dean awoke to kisses from Castiel. He’d been wakened in such a way before, but usually they were soft, sweet, gentle, kisses on his forehead, his eyelids, his cheeks, the tip of his nose. When he awoke that way, it usually meant a lazy morning in the bunker, and no case to work on. There had probably been a night of quiet relaxation, the night before; would Dean even say romance? Maybe one of them made dinner, maybe he washed the dishes, while Cas dried, and they stood in each other’s presence smiling and giggling for no reason. 

Giggles would turn into hugs from behind, chins resting on shoulders, and kisses on the back of the neck; which would turn into chaste pecks on the lips and tickle fights, and eventually cuddling under a blanket, watching a movie with someone’s head in someone’s lap, or just drifting to sleep in the safety of each other’s embrace. A night ended with each feeling the warmth and weight of the other beside him in a way that said; I’m here. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I don’t need anything from you right now, and I love you. 

But this time, he was awakened to kisses on his face, his neck, and shoulders. These were rough, wild, desperate kisses Cas was pressing into his body, obviously without concern of waking him, or even lightly bruising him. Dean opened his eyes, muddled with sleep he whispered, “Cas, What?”

Cas rolled him onto his back and continued roughly kissing his neck, his collarbone and shoulder. In between he was muttering crazily, “I need you, Dean. I don’t want to live without you. Say that you’re mine, Dean. Say you’re mine.”

Dean tried to still Castiel in his arms, or at least slow him down. “I’m yours, I’m yours,” he said. Cas kissed his neck fiercely, sucking hard enough to leave a mark. “Cas?”

Cas slowed, he was pressing open mouthed kisses into Dean’s shoulders, rolling him onto his side. He caressed the skin of Dean’s back with his cheek. His arms snaked around Dean’s waist; one hand creeping upward exploring his chest, the other planted firmly on his hip. He sucked along Dean’s shoulder blades, and kissed down Dean’s spine as his other hand came free and he traced wide circles on his chest with both palms.

“I don’t,” Cas was still muttering. “I can’t…Dean.”

Dean shushed him, tried to sooth him, but Cas was kissing at his hip, and then rolled him onto his back again. “Cas, calm down. I’m here. I’m right here,” he begged. Cas paused, hovering over him, for a second, Dean thought he saw tears in Cas’s eyes. Then he threw his leg over Dean to straddle him as he leaned down to kiss his lips deeply. Dean felt Cas’s tears on his face. Cas pressed their foreheads together, and their sweat mingled. 

“Dean,” he said, when he at last broke the kiss and pulled back slightly. Dean rubbed his hands up and down Cas’s back. For the first time since Cas, woke him, they were able to make eye contact. “I love you. I love..”

“I’m here,” he said. “Right here.” 

“I don’t want to lose you,” Cas whispered. Dean saw the desperation in his eyes, felt Cas’s body trembling. His eyes were welling up. Dean continued to stroke his back.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said. “I’m right here.” 

Cas shifted his hips and their growing erections rubbed against each other. Dean he moaned and rocked his head back his head back, “aww, baby,” he whispered, breathlessly, as Cas set about kissing his throat with growing agressiveness. His hand wandered up Deans’s left side until it made its way to Dean’s arm. Cas found his hand at the end of it, and they clasped hands, for the first time when they were in bed together. 

He was sucking, and open mouth kissing down Dean’s chest. He nibbled the skin on his stomach. Dean grunted and laughed. Then Cas nosed along the V shaped creases of his groin. He teased Dean’s cock with hot, damp breath before kissing his inner thighs. 

“Cas,” Dean moaned, hips thrusting at the air, his erection straining away from his body. This time Cas shushed him muttering, “my love, my love,” and began kissing his way back up, Dean’s stomach, nipping again and the soft flesh there. Dean groaned, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. As Cas kissed his way up his chest, giving the other nipple some attention with his tongue. Dean whimpered and squeezed his hand where they were joined, as Cas made his way up to his neck.

He reached Dean’s ear, and whispered there softly, “Dean. My love. I need you. I need you. Do whatever you like with me.” 

Dean came up off the mattress, thrusting his hips. His knees trapped Castiel’s hips and Dean rolled him over, their hands still entwined. Cas spread his legs, thrusting up for Dean, but Dean just barely shook his head. Sweat was dripping off his forehead. There wasn’t time for that. He had to come, soon. More than that, he just needed to touch Cas. He needed skin to skin contact. Urgently. He couldn’t wait for lube and warming up Cas’s hole. He certainly wasn’t going to take him without it. He slicked his leaking cock with its own drops and thrust himself between Cas’s thighs. Cas squeezed him gently as Dean began to thrust; hot and hard. His hand dug into Cas’s shoulder, while Cas took his free hand and began to stroke himself as Dean brought himself closer and closer to the edge. 

Cas was grunting, and as Dean thrust into his legs, they locked eyes. “I love you,” Cas whispered breathlessly. “I love you,” Dean moaned, “I love you, I love you,” as he began to come. He leaned into Cas’s neck. Kissing, sucking there as he squeezed Cas’s hand and his body shook with spasms of pleasure.

As he regained he slowly his breath, Cas released him from the grip of this thighs and Dean rocked back on his heels as he took Cas in his hand and stroked him through. Cas gasped and rocked into Dean’s grip, throwing his head back, tears rolling down the sides of his face. His hips and back came up off the mattress and his come landed on his stomach. 

Cas was gasping and trembling as he finished. Dean sobbed, and fell forward into Cas’s arms. “Cas, I can’t. I don’t want to lose you. But, I can’t.” Dean felt the tears coming freely now. He’d never hoped to be as in love as he was with Castiel. He never dreamed anyone could love him as much as Cas did. 

Cas turned him on his side again, as Dean sobbed and sobbed. Cas methodically set about kissing Dean again. Gently, and precisely kissing every part of him.

Five Hours Earlier

Dean was achingly tired, as the door of the cheap motel room swung open and he threw himself down across the mattress of one of the twin beds. Even though he knew they would only be using one bed, he couldn’t bring himself to get a single bed motel room. He was dirty, sore and physically and mentally exhausted; he knew that what he needed was a hot shower, a couple drinks, some food, and to make love to his angel and all would be right with the world. He had planned for that to be happening tonight; he’d even admitted it to himself, which it turned out, had been more of challenging feat than admitting his love to Castiel himself.

No, at first he admitted attraction. He admitted need. He needed Cas in his life. Since the angel had been officially exiled from heaven with no intention of returning, he had become more of a fixture in Dean’s life. Dean hadn’t been sorry for it. He liked having Cas around the bunker. In fact, it wasn’t long before whenever they weren’t on a hunt, Dean was spending all his time with Cas. It felt a little like best friends in a buddy comedy, but he honestly looked forward to spending every day with Cas. And Dean didn’t realize it first, but it had given Sammy an opportunity to start taking classes online.

Before he knew it, Sam was telling Dean he was moving, to Lawrence, of all places, to do a grad school program on Occult Studies. Turned out, he’d finished up undergraduate work part time and even gotten a paper published, on the theoretical existence of the Men of Letters, while Dean hadn’t even noticed. Except he had noticed, that there was less tension between him and Sam. He noticed that he smiled more, laughed more easily, and enjoyed hunting again when Cas was with them. He gave Cas a lot of crap about being a hunter, but he found he had a new zeal for hunting, and he had to admit that Cas, grace now fully intact, did have some skills, particularly his healing ability.

Even when Cas decided to wait at home in the bunker and let Sam and Dean hunt together, particularly when it was a case that Sam had brought to Dean, he felt more invested in his safety, eager to call Cas to check in. He LIKED having someone to come home to.

Actually, for about a year before Sam’s announcement about leaving for grad school, Cas had been spending the night in Dean’s room. It started with long nights playing video games together until Dean was ready to collapse with exhaustion, and didn’t have the energy to tell Cas to leave. In fact, he asked him to stay, before he passed out beside him on the bed, acting, if not feeling drunk with exhaustion and unwilling to admit he wanted Cas beside him. Slowly this turned to ending their game nights, and eventually nights of Cas reading silently in the corner, and Dean listening to his vinyl on headphones, by getting into bed together and Dean settling down to sleep in Cas’s arms with the understanding that he would wake up with Cas in his own bedroom. Then a couple of lazy days in a row he woke up and Cas was still there, and Dean whispered to him not to leave. He may have wrapped his legs around Cas’s waist and kissed him; exhorting promises that no one could know, they would never speak about this - whatever it was, but it wasn’t a relationship - outside of this room. Cas had to at least pretend to sleep. Dean wouldn’t admit that having someone watch over him as he slept was, oddly comforting. At first Cas’s version of “pretend sleeping” was like a little kid, or a cartoon, but he caught on eventually.

There was a lot Dean wouldn’t admit to at first, but Cas was unperturbed. It was like when Dean invited him to stay in the bunker when he knew he wouldn’t go back to heaven; his eyes big, shining with unshed tears. He knew Dean was trying to make things right for the time he’d sent Cas away. He knew that Dean was really confessing his need, which was a Winchester’s way of confessing love.

Dean was still a little wedded to the rituals of hunting though. And the two twin beds in the motel room was one of the traditions he insisted upon. Yet, something about a room also put him in a dour mood he couldn’t describe. Made him eager to get home to the bunker, to his own room, his kitchen, and his Cas in THEIR home. Dean couldn’t put his finger on it, but Cas believed that the double bedded motel rooms made Dean think about all the years he’d spent on the road, and miss Sam a little more than usual. 

But it wasn’t missing Sam that made Dean crankier than normal today. They had just finished a long and complicated hunt, and it had ended rough and messy, and rather than getting on with Dean’s plans for the evening, they were probably going to talk.

“What was that about, Cas?” Dean asked sternly as Cas followed him into the room and walked past him for the bathroom. He could hear the sounds of Castiel washing his hands in the sink, and he came out drying them on a small white towel that he then discarded on the corner chair.

“What was what about?” he made a point of locking eyes with Dean. “How’s your shoulder?”

“I’m fine,” he dismissed, “I’m talking about taking on three vamps at once. They had an angel blade, Cas. They could have killed you. Why couldn’t you wait for me?”

“I didn’t know they had an angel blade, and besides I’m fine.” Cas sat on the opposite twin bed staring at Dean. Were his knees so far apart on purpose? Was he trying to distract Dean from being upset with him? “Are you sure you’re Ok?”

“If you’re fishing for more thanks because you fixed me up, it’s not going to happen. I appreciate you healing me, and all, but you’ve got to be more careful. They could have killed you!”

“I’m not the one who is mortal, Dean. The only reason they were a danger to me was because they had the blade. It’s you who behaved recklessly. You’re the one who got stabbed through the shoulder.”

“I was trying to save your ass! Excuse me, what was I supposed to do, let them take you out?”

“Dean, I’m glad you were able to come to my aid, but you often act as if you never have to worry about injuring yourself because you believe I’ll be able to heal you.”

“I do not!”

“Today you got stabbed. The last job we went on, you dislocated your shoulder. Before that, you were shot.” 

Dean looked away. It was true. Ok, the bullet wound wasn’t that serious, it just grazed him, actually. But Cas had done a good job healing his shoulder. He didn’t just fix it, but he also took away the crunching sound in his elbow when he extended his arm all the way, and the clicking his right wrist when he turned it just so. 

“Let me ask you, what do you think would happen if there’s ever a situation where I have to choose between healing you or myself? There are times when healing both of us has taken a great deal of my power. What if I had to resurrect you and it didn’t leave me enough energy to heal myself?”

“I would take care of you until you were well enough to heal yourself, of course.”

“That’s not the point, Dean. What if you weren’t able? I don’t want to be unable to heal you and have to leave you in pain. I don’t ever want to have to choose between you’re life and mine. Can you remember that, and be more careful? I want to be able to carry your soul to heaven, when it is your time and not before.”

Dean felt like a bucket of ice water had been poured over his head. “What?”

“Your life is going to end one day, Dean. Haven’t you thought about what will happen after? To us?”

“Well, no…but,”

As the silence between them grew longer and more awkward, Dean felt a creeping feeling he’d said the wrong thing. Glancing at Cas, who looked away confirmed it. He’d hurt Cas’s feelings. Cas had given thought to their relationship after Dean’s death, and the thought had never occurred to Dean. He sighed, feeling bad for making the angel feel bad.

“Look, I’m sorry, ok? But what’s this about taking my soul to heaven? Can you do that? I thought you weren’t allowed back in?”

Cas stood up and turned his back to him. He took off his trench coat and hung it on the bar that served as the motel room closet and shuffled around looking like he was trying to prepare for bed, even though he didn’t sleep and didn’t exactly need to brush his teeth or anything. In the beginning Dean had asked him to consider wearing pajamas, even though Cas didn’t need to change clothes for hygiene purposes. But he wanted to hold someone more accessible, and yes, softer, than the usual suit he wore every day.

“Well, I suppose there’s the alternative, that I resurrect you each time your time comes, but I didn’t think you’d be amenable to staying here on earth forever.”

Dean choked. “Forever?” He pulled himself up into a half sitting position and let his grimace show. This was going to be a longer conversation, and a more uncomfortable one than he’d planned on, and he’d liked his original plan for the evening so much better. “I can’t live forever, Cas. You can’t keep bringing me back from the great beyond, or whatever.”

“Why not?” Cas turned back toward him, but didn’t approach the second bed. Dean could tell he was upset but trying not to show it. He didn’t put his hands on his hips or anything, just his voice, really betrayed his annoyance; his voice and his unwillingness to look at Dean.

Dean sighed even more heavily this time, “Hey, can we not talk about this? Let’s just get a pizza and hit the hay. I’m really not up for discussing how I plan to spend…forever.” 

He gulped before saying that last word, not even believing this is a conversation he was really having; having with his boyfriend. Everything in Dean’s head was screaming Avoid, Avoid, Avoid.

Cas wasn’t having it though. He’d taken off his suit jacket and draped it over the chair in the corner. He wiped his hands on the ass of his pants, though Dean knew they were already dry and he was just looking for something to do before he walked back over to sit across from Dean on the other bed.

“I think we should talk about it, Dean,” he said seriously. Dean tried to look past the hurt in his eyes. Cas continued, “I never stopped to think about what you wanted to become of your soul at the end of your life. I guess I only considered the possibilities that would allow us to stay together.”

Dean sat up more. He took off his boots and scooted to the center of the bed, hoping Cas would join him there. He patted the space beside him suggesting it, but Cas didn’t move. He looked down at the ugly motel comforter. He was going to have to bite the bullet. 

“I don’t know. I mean, what …what happens if I just go, when it’s my time?”

Cas stared at him silently for a long moment. Then he said, “I assume your soul would ascend.” He looked away, toward the wall with the television and continued. “It would go before a court of angel judges, called Dominions. They’re not warriors, and they have very little experience with what goes on in heaven and earth outside their courts. It’s their job to weigh the deeds and intentions of each soul and determine entrance to heaven.” Cas brought is eyes back to Dean’s and he noticed they were slightly wider and he spoke a little more urgently. “They pride themselves on weighing the minutia of each human life’s experience, but I think it’s fair to say they’ve never encountered a life such as yours, Dean. They may judge you more harshly than is fair, because …because of your affiliation with me.”

“You’re afraid they’re going to send me downstairs because of you? Don’t I get an impartial jury?”

“Contrary to what most believe, hell isn’t the only other option,” Cas said stoically. “There’s also, rebirth. But I can’t predict what kind of decision the Dominions would make about you Dean. I can only assume they’re only marginally familiar with hunters, and as I said, they’re isolated. They’ve sat out the recent wars within heaven, which is to say they haven’t formally taken sides, but I haven’t been there recently enough to know how the court is divided among those who would have a negative opinion of me, what I’ve done…and even without my past…there are those who wouldn’t look upon our relationship favorably.” 

“So your plan was just, smuggle me into heaven and we just hang out together for all eternity and hope no one notices?” Dean wished Cas would come sit next to him. He was leaning against the headboard now with his legs straight out in front of him in the middle of the bed now. The distance felt awkward. Everything about this conversation felt awkward. 

“It can be done. We wouldn’t exactly be fugitives, Dean. I believe you may have more friends in heaven than you know; more than I do, anyway. I would be able to arrange safe places for us meet and spend time together. At least until I can get a better sense of where the Dominions are in their thinking, and how the court is made up.”

“Wait, so you wouldn’t be living in heaven too? Where are you going to be?”

“Well, I’d have to go back and forth, so I’d still be living part time on earth…continuing the work. Helping humans…hunting…”

Dean had to close his eyes and take this in. He searched his mind for things that might bring this conversation to a quick close. Nothing. Ok. He continued processing.

“You’re going to sneak into heaven despite their decision to kick you out and see me on weekends? What am I even going to do there to stay busy?”

“It’s heaven, Dean. You have friends there; family. And if the court is favorable to you, you’ll have your own place of perfection to spend your time. You probably won’t even miss me when I’m not there. Time isn’t the same.”

“I have a hard time imagining that,” he said giving Cas a pointed glance. He thought about giving him a suggestive wink, but he decided now wasn’t the time. He couldn’t imagine not missing Cas, and not worrying about him on earth. More than that, though he hated the idea of Cas doing the job while he relaxed in heaven. And he knew Cas knew he would feel that way. “Run me through the other alternatives.”

“We know what worst case scenario is.”

Dean nodded. “Hell. Torturing souls. Becoming a demon. I’ve been there.”

“I won’t let that happen to you again, Dean. Not…not ever.”

Dean heard what Cas meant to say in that pause. He wouldn’t have let Dean go back to hell under any circumstances, and certainly wouldn’t let his soul become so distorted again he’d turn demon. But what Cas wanted to say was he wouldn’t let it happen to Dean again, especially now that were in love. 

“You can’t go storming in to drag me topside again solo, though,” Dean said, putting a tick in the con column as though he was considering hell as potential future for his soul. “I guess there’s good reason to think that without the mark of Cain this time it would take longer to go dark eyes. On my first tour in hell, I held out as long as he could before taking up the knife and torturing. But I got to say, with all that I’ve done since then, I feel…a lot less like the Righteous Man.”

He didn’t really believe Cas would consider letting him spend eternity in hell. He shouldn’t have pretended to entertain the thought even just to tease Cas a little, but all this talk about his eternal soul and heaven made him uncomfortable, and he felt the need to be self-deprecating. Heaven? He didn’t deserve that. But trying to deflect thoughts of eternal serenity by knocking himself down a peg or two just made Cas all the more passionate in his fervor to secure the future of Dean’s soul.

“Dean. You are not an unworthy soul. All you’ve done for humanity, for the world, for your brother? For me.” Cas looked away guiltily, and then locked eyes with him again. “You are the most worthy soul, and I will go back into hell without my garrison and I will get you out again, if that’s what it takes. But it will not come to that. I won’t let that happen.”

He spoke with the intensity behind his words that showed how strongly he meant them, but it also betrayed a little of his fear, too. And Dean knew Cas would stop at nothing to keep his soul out of the pit again. Cas would let him become a ghost and salt and burn him himself, let him dissolve into nothing.

Dean had had enough of this conversation. He wanted to move this night along. He certainly was done discussing his soul and his plans for it. If anything, he wanted to commit to doing a little sinning, as soon as possible.

“C’mon Cas, can’t we discuss this later? I don’t want to think about heaven. It’s embarrassing me. Now, why don’t you come over here and show me how to be your good boy?”

“Dean.” Cas sounded halfway between scolding and pleading, and Dean knew better than to do anymore teasing while he was this serious. He searched his brain for another tactic to distract Cas from planning his future in eternity.

“Look, baby, I promise to be more careful in the future, Ok? I will try not to need healing every time we do a job. But I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I don’t like thinking about my soul, my death, and eternity in heaven. I certainly can’t get into heaven through some angelic smuggling job, and get underground railroaded around heaven until you figure the court is in my favor. So let’s just figure out our other options some other time all right?”  
“What other options do you suggest? There’s rebirth, where you might end up in any number of worlds, only some of which are accessible to me. I might never find you, again, Dean. It would take lifetimes.”

“I don’t know. I’m tired. Why don’t you come here, and tell me about what the other alternatives are?” Dean grinned and tried to entice Cas to sit next to him on the bed. He was tired. He wanted to strip down to his briefs and fold himself into Cas’s arms as he fell asleep. Cas could plan whatever he wanted and Dean would just drift off, making comments where appropriate.

For a moment Cas looked interested in the same thing. He was halfway there, Dean could see it, but then his skin pinched inquisitively between his eyebrows and his eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, you can’t, Dean? What is it that you object to about me carrying you into heaven?”

Dean sighed. He may as well tell him now. He knew it was going to come to this, and it wouldn’t be easy. He closed his eyes again as he searched for the words. He hated this. Castiel knew Dean wasn’t good with words. Slowly, he opened his eyes again and started to explain, “Why me, Cas? Why should I get a free ride into heaven? Why should I have someone calling in favors for me to see that I get a fair trial, unbiased judges? Judges are judges. They should look at my soul like any other human soul. I’m no different. I’m not special.”

“You ARE special, Dean” Cas argued. His voice was more desperate than angry. “You and your brother saved the world, you prevented the apocalypse.”

“But I didn’t do that alone. Sammy, helped. Bobby. You know, we didn’t do it alone, Cas.”

“You sacrificed for Sam to be able to do it. He spent, well a short time in the cage, longer…than I intended as I didn’t get his soul out…but, what you did…giving up what was most precious to you, for the sake of the world. That was noble, Dean.”

“Then I’ll go before the Dominions and they can judge me based on my life.”

“They…might not judge you fairly. I don’t know how many of them agree with the angels that wanted to bring about the apocalypse. I don’t know them. I don’t know what kind of angels they are.”

“I should still stand in front of them and be judged, then. Like any other human.”

“But you’re NOT any other human! Don’t you see? You’ve fought Leviathan. You summoned Death to try and kill me when I believed I was God. You’ve always put others, the whole of humanity before yourself, Dean. That deserves eternal peace. You deserve that peace.”

“But I shouldn’t get special treatment. I don’t deserve peace any more than the people I’ve killed. That Styne boy. I got Charlie killed. And Kevin.”

“I can’t know that they’ll be fair to you, Dean.”

“The judges are the judges. I assume God gave them this assignment? Who am I to say it’s not fair?”

“I’ll say it’s not fair! If they don’t allow you into heaven – especially if it’s because of me…”

“I’ll deserve whatever they give me, Cas. I’ll take it.”

“No!” Cas was becoming increasingly animated, and Dean didn’t want to draw this out into an argument, but he also knew he could never accept free admission to heaven. He never could. Even if it meant whatever Cas seemed to fear most. He didn’t want to break Cas’s heart. He couldn’t. But he knew he’d never be able to accept what Cas wanted him to do. He hadn’t always been the most ethical man, but a free pass to heaven? There was no way he could accept it. It went against everything in him.

Dean had to pull out some stops to convince Castiel his opinion on the matter wasn’t going to change. He was tired of Cas being so far away from him anyway. He kicked himself into a sitting position and rolled so that he was sitting on the edge of the bed opposite Cas, so he could lean over and take Cas’s hands in his, holding them between them.

“Cas, you gotta understand,” he began. “Everyone we’ve known and lost…Bobby, Ellen, Joe, Kevin, Pamela, everyone…they were family too. They deserve to go to heaven as much as me. Maybe more. If they had to go through this process and be judged, then I should have to go through it too. I’m no better than them. I can’t go to heaven and hold my head up if I got in through the side door.”

Cas sighed and looked at their clasped hands. “I understand Dean. That is why you’re such a worthy man.” Dean grinned, and rubbed little circles on Cas’s hands with his thumbs while he looked the other man in the eyes. He could feel the grin forming on his face as he finally relaxed, now that this conversation was over and they could go to bed. Or do something more fun.

Cas grinned too. Dean let go of his hands, suddenly feeling how tired he really was. Cas seemed to sense that too, and leaned back. “I will order us some food. Why don’t you get in the shower?”

Exhaustedly, he stood at the same time Cas did and they bumped each other. Without thinking, Dean felt his arms go around Cas and pull him close. He dropped his face into Cas’s shoulder and closed his eyes just taking in the sturdiness and closeness of the man beside him. Dean felt Cas kiss the top of his head. 

“Thanks,” Dean muttered.

The hot shower was just what Dean needed to feel alive again. Normally, he would have invited Cas into the shower with him to make it more interesting, but tonight Dean needed a moment alone. He focused on the restorative properties of hot water on his muscles and tried to push from his mind the idea that Cas didn’t just want to spend the rest of Dean’s life together; he wanted to spend the rest of eternity with him. 

A commitment of that kind would typically have sent Dean running for the door, leaving behind a cartoon dust cloud in the shape of him. Somehow with Cas, though it was different. He’d felt a little twinge of panic and resentment earlier when Cas spoke of him in heaven and said, you probably won’t even miss me. For some reason Dean wasn’t freaked out about spending every day he could with Cas. He wanted to. The idea of eternity was beyond his comprehension but he knew he didn’t want to not spend every day with him. He didn’t want to go back to being a single hunter, even as part of a team with Sammy, but no warm angel holding him at night. It frightened Dean a little that he was so OK with the idea, actually. What was really freaking the hell out of him was that Cas wanted it. Cas, an angel, a powerful celestial being, old as creation itself, wanted HIM, wanted Dean. Forever. And Cas was the only one he knew who could understand forever, and he wanted him. 

At times, Dean had a hard time believing Cas loved him. Not that there was a reason to doubt him; it was just Dean’s low self-esteem telling him there’s no way he could want you. Look at him, he’s gorgeous, and smart and funny. He’s an angel. A LITERAL ANGEL. How could a being so special love him? Love him that much? But when Dean looked into Cas’s face at times there could be no doubt. Cas loved him. Loved HIM. It was almost as scary as when Cas had first told him he was the righteous man, and heaven had a destiny for him.

Dean grinned when he left the bathroom with a towel around his waist and found Cas striped down to his boxers and was pulling one of Dean’s old t-shirts over his head. A sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza was waiting for him in the middle of the second bed. One of Dean’s rules; no eating in bed.

He inhaled his first two slices while Cas politely nibbled on one. He didn’t need to eat like a human, but he could eat, socially, as he said which had made Dean laugh. Over time Cas had developed a taste for Dean’s favorite foods, cheeseburgers, fries, pizza, tacos, pie.

They ate in silence and Dean filled his tumbler with whiskey from his duffle bag. After four slices of pizza and a drink and a half he was ready to collapse into the other bed. Cas crawled in next to him, shyly as though unsure how to approach Dean after their tense discussion. He slipped his arms around Dean as Dean turned into his chest and sighed. 

“Cas,” he said, not sure how to continue. Cas reached around Dean’s shoulder and threaded his fingers through his hair. Dean leaned into the caress but looked down at the soft worn old Metallica t-shirt Cas was wearing, “do you want to watch tv?” It was a lame, but he wanted Cas to be able to do something during the night while he didn’t sleep.

“No,” Cas said. “You go to sleep. I want to watch over you.” Dean raised his eyes up to meet Cas’s and they were grinning at each other. Dean rested his head against Cas’s chest, again. The whiskey was producing a warm, sleepy, feeling in his chest. Or was that something else. Anyway, he was just content to have gotten three of the four things he’d wanted when he walked in the door to make this night perfect.

He’d almost completely drifted off when, when Cas shifted from stroking his hair to gently rubbing his back and his arms. 

“I’m sorry if your eternal soul was an uncomfortable topic for you,” Cas said.

“ ‘ss all right” Dean replied, half awake.

“We don’t have talk about future lives, or eternal resurrections, or heaven again, if you don’t want to.”

“Good”

“I will just have to become human,” Cas continued.

Dean felt his stomach drop to the floor. “Human?” he repeated as he untangled himself from Cas’s embrace and sat up on the bed.

“Then we’ll have greater chances of staying together,” Cas said, hopefully. “Our chances of being judged similarly will be greater. If they assign us rebirth, we can make the case for being reborn together. Not into the same family, but likely the same world, or country.”

“Cas, you’d be risking hell.” Dean breathed. The rest of his thought “for me” was unspoken. He shook his head, slightly even to try and banish the thought. “I can’t let you do that.”

“Dean, if you won’t let me carry your soul to heaven as an angel, I will accompany you there for judgement, as a human.” Cas stated it, bluntly as though it were simple black and white fact. 

“When you die, won’t the other angels want to punish you, for…taking over as God, killing an archangel…?”

“If I become mortal they must judge me as a mortal. They can only judge me for what I’ve done as a human. The Dominions can’t judge other angels. That’s the job of a higher court; one that needs to be presided over by an archangel, and so that court has not been functioning since Michael left heaven.” 

Dean nodded slowly. His body felt cold, and his own voice sounded far away. Now he needed to convince Cas that he was not going to become human for him. He couldn’t let Cas die, as a human; not just in order to be with him. 

“Cas,” he began, “I don’t want you to become human.”

“Dean.” Cas pronounced is name as a sentence. It was a plea. It wasn’t angry or even hurt, exactly. Well, it wasn’t just hurt. It was the confusion; the voice of naïve Cas, the angel that cut through Dean and forced him to close his eyes and breathe deeply for a moment. Cas had had nothing else to say, so Dean continued,

“Cas last time, you were only human for a short time and you got stabbed in the chest. I know you’ll say you’re not still upset with me for sending you away after that –“

“Dean, we weren’t-“

“but it doesn’t matter. I’M still upset with me for that. For letting you go when you were vulnerable. I can’t have that again, Cas. I can’t have you that vulnerable. I don’t want to risk losing you like that. Even immortal, I’ve almost lost you so many times. You always came back to me, but as a human…you couldn’t. I can’t lose you again. I can’t. I don’t think I could live with you as a human. I’d be worried about you all the time. The stress would probably kill me.”

“You don’t have to worry about me, Dean. I can take care of myself. And what I don’t know yet, or understand about being human, you can show me.” Cas reached for Dean’s hand and threaded their fingers together. Dean put his other hand on top of their joined hands.

“Being mortal doesn’t come with guarantees. You don’t know what could happen. You could become human thinking we’ll grow old together and I’ll be there to show you the ropes but I could get hit by a bus the same day and you’d be alone. I can’t have that, either.”

“I want to die when you die.” Cas said, his normally powerful voice sounding somehow small and vulnerable. He sounded, not like an immortal seraph, but like a six year old boy. “I don’t want to live forever and have to lose you, Dean. It’s not fair. It took …it took us so long to find each other.”

Dean sighed and rolled onto his side so he could look into Cas’s eyes. “I know, baby. I know and that’s mostly my fault. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do about it, though. I think you’re just going to have to.”

Cas hardened his eyes on Dean’s. Now there was the hurt and the anger. Dean thought he was prepared for it, but he wasn’t completely. It looked like Cas was shattering in slow motion in front of him, and though his angel’s eyes showed no signs of shedding tears at the pain within, Dean felt the sharp pain collecting in his sinuses and he tried and failed to keep the tears from pooling in his eyes. He felt water running down his cheeks. He lifted Cas’s hand and brought it to his mouth to kiss it, but Cas jerked away. 

“It can’t only be what you want, Dean. I need you, too. How can I go back to living as angel, alone, for the rest of eternity after…after I’ve known you, and let you die? Without me. Why won’t you let me take you with me? There are a few options available to us that no other two people who love each other have. Why won’t you accept one of them?”

This time Dean squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn’t stop the tears from leaking out, so he just opened them again. “I don’t know, Cas. I know how selfish it sounds. I feel selfish. But when I think about these two options, I just can’t live with them. I can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to. I can’t take what I don’t deserve. And I can’t let you die mortal, on my watch. Not for me. I can’t do it, Cas. I can’t do it.”

Dean spent a long moment under Cas’s icy stare. He put his head down, chin resting against his chest, and he reached for Cas’s hands again but Cas rolled away and turned his shoulder to him. 

So this was how it was going to be. Dean had feared maybe Cas would sleep in the other bed, or even just go invisible leaving Dean to wonder all night if he was alone, or if Cas was watching him. In that case, the being given the cold shoulder by the one still beside him was the best option.

“What do you want me around for, is it only to heal you?” Cas whispered, almost to himself, and Dean knew he was angry. “You just don’t want to live with the pain.”

“Pain? Cas, I can take pain. Un-heal me if you want to. I just can’t…”

“You know I wouldn’t hurt you,” Cas said, bitterly. Dean did know it. “Because I love you.”

So that was the last stop he was going to pull out in this battle. He was going to throw it in his face that Cas was able to say those words. Dean meant them. Cas knew he did. But every time he tried to say them out loud, he choked. Dean thought it had something to do with the fact that he couldn’t remember saying them to anyone in his life, not even Sam. 

He felt it with anyone else, with Cas more than he ever had with anyone else, and all he could manage was “You too” or “back at ya” most of the time. Cas could shower Dean with praise, “gorgeous,” “lover,” “precious,” “cherished,” “need,” “desire” all came to mind. What Dean managed to say out loud in whispered intimate moments was always, “I need you,” and “Castiel” over and over again. The only time he used the angel’s full name was during their love making worship of each other, and Dean repeated it like a prayer.

It stung. He wasn’t going to lie, he felt like a most unworthy boyfriend and ungrateful human at that moment. Cas had picked a good last word to get in this argument. Dean reached up and turned off the lamp and guiltily turned his back to Cas to try to fall asleep.

The Next Morning

As he awoke Dean looked nervously at Cas who was still holding him as he’d been when he’d cried himself out the night before. He was worried they were going to have to talk, but Cas just reached out and ran his thumb along Dean’s bottom lip.

“Good morning, Dean,” he said as normally as could be hoped for. “You hungry?”

“God yes,” Dean muttered. 

Cas pulled him in close and kissed him on the forehead, then swung his legs over the side of the bed and started getting up. Good thought Dean. Good, they were going to pretend nothing unusual had happened; that Dean hadn’t had an emotional breakdown when faced with considering how much this man loved him. They weren’t going to talk about the stalemate they had reached about the future and Dean’s mortality.  
Dean stretched pleasantly in bed, and he too got up and started getting dressed. 

Soon he was packing up the car with breakfast on his mind. He didn’t notice he’d begun humming a tune. He was trying to focus on sausage and eggs with a side of pancakes, but something a little sad was rolling around in the back of his mind. Like hell he wanted to look at it, name it and realize what it was though. He continued going about his business until Cas sat beside him on the passenger side of the impala. 

Oh, shit, Cas was going to talk about it. 

Relief spread through Dean when all that Cas said was, “What’s that you’re humming?”

Dean surprised himself as he answered, “Just a little song I sing when I’m thinking about everyone, Bobby, Charlie, Kevin…everyone who’s gone.”

“Hmm,” Cas nodded in acknowledgement.

Dean shifted the car into gear and they started down the road, hopefully toward a good diner. As they drove, the tension eased from the silence between them. Dean took one hand from the wheel and laid it on the seat between them. A few minutes passed before Cas picked up his hand and held it between them. As they turned down the highway, the song was growing in Dean’s chest and he couldn’t help but sing a little of the song that brought him comfort from time to time.

“I must be strong, and carry on, Cause I know, I don’t belong, here in heaven.”


End file.
